Saturday, July 6, 2019

Subconscious Hunting

A couple days ago, at the end of my 15 minutes of meditation, I had am image in my mind. It was the end of pavement, into sand, and the sand was between one and six inches lower than the pavement. I was driving and I worried that I might lose all my traction in the sand, and that even if I still have traction, I might not be able to drive back up onto the pavement. Since then, I've been asking myself why that image was there. Maybe I'm in uncharted (unpaved) territory. The road here is not finished. The number of people who have been here is small and I haven't conversed with them very much. Where is "here"?

Please excuse me while I use your eyes and my keyboard as a therapist. I think it was the next day that I told Julia her subconscious was screaming at her because she was ignoring it. Soon after saying it, I got the message myself. I think it's more true for me than it is for her. I sent the first six chapters of to three friends who are psychologists. It's obvious to me that I'm working some things out for myself as I write, and they are important, and for some reason I have the feeling that I am ignoring something in my subconscious. And it's screaming. 

I do love a good puzzle! 

I would like to get my wife Kim's impressions of the book so far, and I'm a little scared that she... won't like it or won't handle it well or will have a response that shakes things up.

Speaking of shaking things up, in the last few days, we've had several earthquakes (here in SoCal) and during the biggest one, I had the urge to tell the Earth, "it's okay."  My idea was that it was expressing something difficult to express and that having someone to attend to it might make it much less violent, painful, and destructive. Is it a metaphor from the universe for me?

Are those six chapters enough to give Kim what I need to give her? I'll send her the document right now with a request to let me know.  [About 10 hours later, it's amazing how long it took me to actually send it!]

Another possible Avenue for (personal) research is something Anne Stirling-Hastings suggested: We may sometimes become aware of something about someone else. I feel this might happen to me, but I'm unable to distinguish between it being a self-created theory and an offering of truth from the universe. I once wrote about "deep-soul" knowing in a way that rejects the theory that sometimes the universe just gives us a truth like that. I've been saying now for a while that as humans, we don't get to do that kind of knowing. I may be having that experience and developing a grasp on distinguishing between the self-created theory and the gift of knowledge.  If so, that would explain a lot. It feels dangerous to be so convinced of something.

Anne hinted that I'm special, gifted, and feeling lonely because that's rare. She could only hint at it because I actively reject the idea that I'm special. Maybe this is the thing about which my subconscious is screaming at me. 

There is a third possibility for the screaming. I have always had a healthy savings account, and it's been about 1/3 bitcoin since 2016, so we (my family) are well into "upper middle-class." Money is useful because it allows everyone, even people who disagree vehemently with each other (Democrats and Republicans, liberals and conservatives, etc.), to trade peacefully. I want disagreement to be in the spirit of a cooperative search for truth.  Maybe there's more I could be doing to bring that about.

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